Getting a First Smartphone: A Modern Coming-of-Age Ritual

Carrie Rogers-Whitehead
Founder, Digital Respons-Ability | Author| Library Consultant | Public Speaker

Last week my family went through what I believe will become a modern-day parenting ritual: getting their first smartphone. I use the word ritual because it’s a process, a set of steps that has a before and after. There is the before-phone time and the after-phone time. While parents may furrow their brows at the word “ritual” I doubt they will disagree with the weightiness of this event in a child’s life. 

A Whole World Opens Up

A whole world opens up to that child with a phone. That world can be full of wonder and excitement, and full of anxieties and misinformation. A phone isn’t just a phone anymore, it’s a tool–and a symbol. There are many coming of age rituals for a child in human society, like a bar or bat mitzvah for 13-year old Jews, or Malaysia’s Khatam Al Koran ritual for 11 year old girls. A phone is a symbol of trust between a parent and child, and a signifier that the child is becoming mature enough to take on responsibilities.

There’s No Universal Age

Unlike other culture’s coming of age rituals there is no set age on when a child should get a first phone. It can vary on maturity, family circumstance and more. For our family, a combination of both pushed us into deciding it was time. Our son had been following screen time rules for years. He was self-regulating autonomously and following our online safety rules. He could transition off devices, and they weren’t interfering with his sleep or physical health.

Why Now?

Also, summer was coming, which meant a separation from friends. He wouldn’t see them at school most days, and there was travel etc.. Last summer it was an issue with him not having a phone. While he had a tablet he could communicate with, his friends preferred texting. Peers are so important to preteens, and not having a phone can isolate a child from their friends.

Is Your Child Ready?

Only you can know if your child is ready for a first phone, but here are some questions I’d encourage you to think about when deciding:

• Are devices in our home a cause of conflict? For example, does my child get upset when a device is taken away? Are rules being broken? Are devices a distraction?
• Why does my child need a phone? What would they use that phone for?
• Are there any in-between options instead of a smartphone? Could they have a smart watch, a dumb phone or a tablet instead?

Creating a Digital Contract

If you decide it’s time your child has a smartphone, think through what that looks like in your family. A digital contract template is discussed in the accompanying video series.

Among the contents I suggest in a digital contract/family media plan write out:

• Tech Free times in and outside the home
• Responsibilities for the device
  • Who charges it?
  • How are costs paid for repairing the phone, apps or updating it?
• What are the passwords for the phone?
• Sharing
  • Who gets to communicate with the child?
  • What is shared on the phone and not shared?
  • Is this smartphone shared with siblings?
  • Understanding that the parent can look at the phone.
• Settings
  • What are the parental control settings for the phone? 
  • What age settings on videos and other contents will you restrict?

Planning for the Future

In the contract parents should also plan for the future. There will be a time where the parents should not have access to all parts of their children’s phones. As those children approach adulthood, they should have privacy and more autonomy. Consider when you’ll visit this digital contract.

A Shared Responsibility

Just like in other coming-of-age rituals, a phone has a set of responsibilities. When a child becomes an adult in the group/tribe they also accept that they will take on certain tasks. That may be protecting the community, upholding a set of values, participating in other rituals etc. Getting a phone is a group responsibility, it’s not one-sided. A parent is responsible for enforcing any consequences and rules outlined in the contract and supplying the phone. A child is responsible for following the rules and taking care of the phone.

While I was excited to finally get my child his first phone, there was a twinge of melancholy in the experience. Smartphones are symbols–of independence and adulthood. It was time to get him a phone, just like one day it will be time for him to leave and be on his own. Being a parent means accepting both the wonder, and the anxieties of your child growing up.

This article was written by Carrie Rogers-Whitehead, founder of Digital Respons-Ability. Digital Respons-Ability is a mission-driven organization dedicated to promoting digital citizenship and responsible technology use. We have educated tens of thousands of parents, students, and educators through online courses and in-depth workshops. Our hands-on experience informs our work with the US federal government, states, and nonprofits, providing professional development and consulting on digital citizenship.

Learn how Carrots&Cake can support your child in developing healthy screen time habits here.

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Carrie Rodgers Whitehead

Carrie Rogers-Whitehead at Founder, Digital Respons-Ability | Author| Library Consultant | Public Speaker

When people ask me what my company does, I say "I make better humans online." At the end of the day it's a person behind the screen, and Digital Respons-Ability's work is about that person, not the device. Digital Respons-Ability has taught digital citizenship to students, parents and educators. Since 2017 we've taught over 200,000 hours in-person in a classroom and are proud to be recognized as the 2023 "Best Digital Citizenship" from the CODiE awards. Help me make better humans online.

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• Getting a First Smartphone: A Modern Coming-of-Age Ritual - June 13, 2024